thank you truro

this knee injury has reminded me of the last instruction show. why? because that was when it started.  may 2005, in the town of truro, southwest england.  it was the end of our tour with A, although they weren't on the show.  it was hell is for heroes and a few others.  it was packed and we played great.  during the last song i jumped down to the barrier and was engaging the crowd with a rousing chorus of  "fuck you" when i felt my knee go out of place.  it was immediate, very painful but luckily in the last 30 seconds of the show.  i limped off stage and crouched in pain, then suddenly, it subsided.  i was sore but it wasn't that bad.  over the next 4 years, i have experienced this same feeling but it's always just a sharp pain and than shock.  yesterday when the doctor told me what was wrong, it dawned on me exactly when it happened.  of course that brought up so many other memories about that time, that day.  i kind of knew that we were done.  we lost our major label deal, there was serious internal strife caused by substance abuse and most of all i couldn't handle what had happened to our popularity in the UK.  i knew the moment was long lost and i couldn't deal with stepping down.  

geffen waited a year and a half to release our record in the UK.  after handing them all the hard work that the band and our team had done as an indie band, they stifled us by being the bullshit, half assed corporate entity they really are.  usually corporate means they make money, not the music industry.  not since the 90's.  that was only because of the format change to cd.  a format change has been happening again but this time they hesitated in 2000 with napster and apple figured out a way to make the money instead of the major labels.  now everyone is fucked.  this is an old story.  not worth repeating.  one thing i never really discussed was my situation when we signed to geffen. 

 i pretty much paid for everything (adam did as well) on my credit card (two members had no jobs), for which the bank was more than happy to continue raising my limit as the year went on.  in those 5 months, i ran up about 10's of thousands, probably 20k.  i believe we signed in early june when i had approximately $50 in the bank.  it was the one and only month i missed a credit card payment.  something i was very responsible about (but i only got myself out of debt last year).  it took a while for our advance to come through (which we basically had to live on for the next 2 years).  you see, it was a goal to get that deal as we felt our music would never be accepted as indie in the US (UK was different),  we were doing great on our own but i was flat broke.  i lost my job in march but continued to pay for things.  i believed in it and didn't care. and after months of this, i had to take the major label deal, i had no choice.  i wish i had gotten that sort of dedication and self belief from all my band mates when things got hard a year or so on.  yes, i did it for myself but i will never forget how quickly things went to shit once money got involved.  maybe it was because it wasn't that much money.  not enough to change anyone's lifestyle.  maybe it would've been worse with more money.  i'll never know.   i could go on forever. i'm not saying i didn't make mistakes. i made a lot, a business man i am not.  but i can never be faulted for not giving everything.   maybe someday i will continue this story.  i named this blog what i did for a reason, it's my way of trying to remond myself to move forward...and it was a mind over matter song off the '90 demo.  for now, i'm bed ridden and an injury i incurred while at war with the gods of rock might to cost me all my money and give me arthritis when i'm older.  the gift that keeps on giving. 

 thank you truro! good night!