the end

i started today with my landlord's son's  7:30 am cocaine party waking me from my 3 hours of slumber.  normally i let it go, but my roommate has been working long hours and i felt bad for him so after 30 minutes of ridiculous techno music i went outside with my crutches and did an old man hand wag coupled with a very disgusted look and put a stop to it.  after falling back to sleep, i woke up to my buddies adam and bgb bringing gifts of brewski and lunch to celebrate my pre surgery blues.  we drank till around 7:30 when adam left and george arrived.  the beer flowed like wine!  finally around 10, i got hungry and we took a cab a few blocks to toby's public house.  i love their antipasti and artichoke pizza.  george, my wife and i continued to indulge in the spirits when i got up to go to the bathroom.  when i returned i realized that my knee didn't seem to hurt as much.  everyone thought i was just drunk, which i was and still am, but i got up and walked.  straight leg and all!!!  i fucking walked!!!  the torn meniscus had released from my knee bones just the way the doctor said it might!!!  it took 6 days but i am healed.  on the eve of potential expensive surgery, it all fell into place.  holy shit.  it's still very uneasy but i can walk.  i'm in shock and feeling really lucky.  i still need surgery but not emergency style.  i'm afraid to go to sleep.  thank you to all who wished me well.  

that's it...

i'm losing my mind.  5 full days in the house.  i finally went to the corner to buy a 6 pack tonight and felt like i ran 5 miles when i got back.  thank god i had the sixer...it was miller time!!!  i've decided i will go to the hospital on tuesday to begin negotiating my mri and surgery.  i need another day.  my wife has to be sick of me by now.  although, i've been pretty upbeat till tonight when i realized i had written and recorded 3 songs, finished lyrics for the gfjd record, read a book and the sunday times, gotten 3 sessions of accupunture and generally been a stationary busy body, all i wanted to do was sit and watch some fucking 'law and order'.  there was plenty of episodes  to pick from but it turned out i saw them all!! shiiit!!!  so now i gotta focus on my impending bullshit debt, not to mention the actual surgery.  it's enough to make a man insane and it has.  so here i am at 2:45 am getting ready to watch "10000 b.c.".  why?  because it's free. 

watch this guy play guitar

this is beginning to suck...worse

my knee is not improving.  i'm on day 3 of acupuncture and the progress has slowed.  i think my biggest worry now is being plunged deep into debt by surgery with no insurance.  so, i researched the injury and surgery last night only to find no definite numbers except how long i would probably be out of work afterwards.  suffice to say, it's too long.   i've had various crazy ideas thrown my way like flying to england and getting it done there etc.  not going to happen.  my situation of no health insurance as a bartender/musician is ever so common in NYC and mine is a good example of how fucked the american healthcare system is.  for years, i have refused to participate in the system as is (as well as not being able to afford it).  i've had a check up once in 8 years and forget about the dentist, that went out the door when i left home.  thing is, if i had regular check ups, this might have been detected and prevented.  that is a big plus side to socialized medicine, preventative care.  in a country that is willing to go to preventative war, you'd think it could happen.  

 i had a funny conversation about medicaid with a medic friend of mine the other night.  after finding out i made $3000 too much last year to qualify, he proceeded to tell me about people he has to pick up for various bullshit like headaches or wanting to be taken from one hospital to another because they know that a cab will cost more than wasting tax payer money (not theirs) and valuable emergency resources on an ambulance.  with story after story i was aghast of the flawed medicaid system.  i can't get fixed to get back to work (and believe it or not, my work is a necessary evil)  but a woman who wants out of central booking and feigns illness only to be outed by the insertion of a catheter or the woman with 6 kids in a one bedroom with a headache who wastefully calls 911 soley because she knows she can and its easy, will be covered in full. basically the system works in favor of those who have more people in their household, so have more kids.  why not?  the system will take care of them.  it's frustrating.  i guess i will have more on this when i actually go to the hospital and start the process.  

one thing i did do yesterday besides write depeche mode-esque opuses, was finish my demo's of the gay for johnny depp.  this is always a somewhat arduous process for me because it is written and performed in (somewhat) character.  one of these songs was a bit of a revelation.  it was based on the idea that the "enemies of our country" want to destroy our way of life because they "hate our freedom" and what they see as western materialism and gluttony.  hmm, it dawned on me how ironic it is that it wasn't a foreign terrorist who has recently brought down the US, but a domestic one.  the greedy capitalist.  they did it in a way that the freedom haters could have only dreamed of, the near collapse of our banking system, amongst other things.  i'm definitely not an authority on any of this but it just seemed strange that for a split second, i thought of the various "businessmen" who's greed we have to blame for our current economic predicament as terrorists.  they certainly aren't "freedom fighters", it's all in the definition, right? 

i found this today, it's pretty amazing.  a mid seventies, 3 piece, all black, proto-punk group from detroit called death.  this never came up on my obscurity radar before and it could be because i was a fan of the very unrelated metal version of the moniker from florida and drag city just released their demo's from 1974.  this is great stuff!!!

acupuncture day 2

so, my knee has continued to get better but i still can't walk or for that matter, even straighten my leg.  i've opted for some intensive acupuncture as a possible remedy.  i figure the swelling could be relieved at the very least which would help the piece of torn meniscus to release itself from the clutches of my knee bones.  acupuncture is much less of the hocus pocus type treatment i thought it was. it's much more physical and immediate.  it is also painful, sometimes very much so.  maybe that means it's working.  all i know is that i'm going fucking insane.  this needs to get better, i have too much to do.  crossing my fingers for today's acupuncture session.

i read a great book yesterday called "ablutions".  it's a series of observations from the perspective of a bartender in a hollywood dive bar, something dear to my heart.  it made me want to write my story but i know i could never.  it seems disrespectful to write about people when you only really see the worst.  they come to blow off steam and look for companionship, not to be judged.  that's a very idealistic view, but one i try to uphold.  i love the way the book describes the evolution of "the regular".  it's pretty spot on.  read it, you won't be disappointed.  

i'm fucking bored

i'm bored and in pain, so what do i do in these situations?  normally sit in front of my pro tools rig and make insane electronica no one will ever hear but it's too painful on my knee to sit in my room.  instead i have been finishing the lyrics for the upcoming gay for johnny depp "ski mask orgy" record and checking out new music online.  a few days a go i wrote about the shitty side of  UK emo/pop  with you me at six.  well, the other side of the UK music scene that drives me insane is the endless fucking interpol/joy division influenced bands (the nme hype machine)  that never seem to end.  it was all the rage here in NY a few years ago, at least in my practice space.  we're way onto 2 piece bands now, which might be over as well.  i can't keep up.  anyway, i stumbled upon a record by west london's own white lies.  their debut record was number one in the uk the week it came out in january.  now, it's not a complete rip off, neither was interpol really but can't anyone over there do something remotely original, even the artwork is factory-esque, which i don't blame them for.  it's pretty timeless.  i thought i'd never say this,  but thank god for the fucking arctic monkey's!!  check it out for yourself.  it's not bad but been done before.  what hasn't right?  

another thing i never thought i'd say is i like the last bring me the horizon full length...

also please check out the new hopewell full length "good good desperation".  the song islands is an amazing mix  of hipster cool and good janes addiction, which was pretty hip when it was new...their guitar player also happens to be the one and only chelsea piers of gay for johnny depp.   

finally listen to trap them, sick crusty style hardcore/punk.  the real deal.  i hope they aren't canadian....

thank you truro

this knee injury has reminded me of the last instruction show. why? because that was when it started.  may 2005, in the town of truro, southwest england.  it was the end of our tour with A, although they weren't on the show.  it was hell is for heroes and a few others.  it was packed and we played great.  during the last song i jumped down to the barrier and was engaging the crowd with a rousing chorus of  "fuck you" when i felt my knee go out of place.  it was immediate, very painful but luckily in the last 30 seconds of the show.  i limped off stage and crouched in pain, then suddenly, it subsided.  i was sore but it wasn't that bad.  over the next 4 years, i have experienced this same feeling but it's always just a sharp pain and than shock.  yesterday when the doctor told me what was wrong, it dawned on me exactly when it happened.  of course that brought up so many other memories about that time, that day.  i kind of knew that we were done.  we lost our major label deal, there was serious internal strife caused by substance abuse and most of all i couldn't handle what had happened to our popularity in the UK.  i knew the moment was long lost and i couldn't deal with stepping down.  

geffen waited a year and a half to release our record in the UK.  after handing them all the hard work that the band and our team had done as an indie band, they stifled us by being the bullshit, half assed corporate entity they really are.  usually corporate means they make money, not the music industry.  not since the 90's.  that was only because of the format change to cd.  a format change has been happening again but this time they hesitated in 2000 with napster and apple figured out a way to make the money instead of the major labels.  now everyone is fucked.  this is an old story.  not worth repeating.  one thing i never really discussed was my situation when we signed to geffen. 

 i pretty much paid for everything (adam did as well) on my credit card (two members had no jobs), for which the bank was more than happy to continue raising my limit as the year went on.  in those 5 months, i ran up about 10's of thousands, probably 20k.  i believe we signed in early june when i had approximately $50 in the bank.  it was the one and only month i missed a credit card payment.  something i was very responsible about (but i only got myself out of debt last year).  it took a while for our advance to come through (which we basically had to live on for the next 2 years).  you see, it was a goal to get that deal as we felt our music would never be accepted as indie in the US (UK was different),  we were doing great on our own but i was flat broke.  i lost my job in march but continued to pay for things.  i believed in it and didn't care. and after months of this, i had to take the major label deal, i had no choice.  i wish i had gotten that sort of dedication and self belief from all my band mates when things got hard a year or so on.  yes, i did it for myself but i will never forget how quickly things went to shit once money got involved.  maybe it was because it wasn't that much money.  not enough to change anyone's lifestyle.  maybe it would've been worse with more money.  i'll never know.   i could go on forever. i'm not saying i didn't make mistakes. i made a lot, a business man i am not.  but i can never be faulted for not giving everything.   maybe someday i will continue this story.  i named this blog what i did for a reason, it's my way of trying to remond myself to move forward...and it was a mind over matter song off the '90 demo.  for now, i'm bed ridden and an injury i incurred while at war with the gods of rock might to cost me all my money and give me arthritis when i'm older.  the gift that keeps on giving. 

 thank you truro! good night!

my torn meniscus

so, i might need surgery for a torn meniscus.  i've apparently had this problem for years but it is now stuck between bones and causing a lot of pain.  there is a chance it will let go on it's own like it has in the past but if it doesn't, i will need surgery.  it's minor surgery but surgery none the less. when you don't have health insurance, surgery is a daunting option.  my doctor said i could probably get medicaid to pay for it, so i went online to look at what qualifies me and low and behold, i make too much money.  apparently you have to make $10,500 or less.  haha really?  who the fuck makes that little money in NYC?  from what i understand, this surgery could cost upwards of $15k.  so for the next two days i will sit in the tub, high on muscle relaxers and attempt the incredibly painful task of straightening my leg.  if i am successful, the piece of the meniscus will release and i will be back to normal within seconds.  fingers crossed.  this kind of sucks.  

what a mess

so, i'm laying on my couch with a bottle to piss in and the remote in my hand.  many of my friends would say "so what's new?".  well what's new is that i'm sober (as usual these days) and i totally fucked my knee up bowling!  yeah laugh.....well, i went bowling at a total ghetto joint by my house on sunday and i kept saying how the lanes were going to fuck mine or my wife's legs up (they were sticky and kept making us get stopped up and trip) and amazingly it took 2 frames at my league play to make it happen on tuesday.   i can't walk, therefore, i can't work.  i have no idea how bad it is because i don't have health insurance.  welcome to america.  socialism is bad?  fuck the republicans.  they can complain about european socialized medicine and the waiting list's etc...but i've actually been in european and uk hospitals and i've been taken care of immediately.  i contribute to society  and therefore i should be taken care of when needed and i mean absolutely needed.  i've been to an emergency room in america once in my adult life.  i've been to the doctor 3 times at best in that same time.  the dentist was 14 years ago.  it's sad.  or maybe liberating.  whatever, hopefully i'll be ok.  if not, i'm sure there will be many more entries.  this is karma for all the bad things i wrote earlier today.....

i was going to write about my love for metal and the new wolves in the throne room record, but i'm totally preoccupied.  suffice to say, i love metal!  in a totally adult way....

listen to: wolves in the thorne room "black cascade". not the first song but the second....first one is generic black metal.  after that it's second only to deathspell omega.....i'm done....it's late....endless dots......................

a goals a goal

What's the goal? I Keep asking myself that. Back on 1990 when mind over matter started, there was no goal. Make a demo. Play some shows. It all seemed very natural. The fact that we got a record deal was a total surprise. Then, nirvana hit. Everyone around us was getting major label deals. I even met with a few about m.o.m.! Totally ridiculous, but it changed everything. Suddenly there was a goal and an actual chance of living off of music. Over the years, that goal never changed. I never felt I wrote or played the type of music that could do well on an indie level. That was probably a little misguided. I got my first taste of the major label world with walter from quicksand and I's Ill fated group, worlds fastest car. Errortype went their entire career looking for the elusive big record deal, even signing a terrible publishing deal with emi that I'm (me and only me) still bound to even though they don't know I exist. When instruction got signed to geffen I thought that I was finally on the road. Someone let me in the club and I was never leaving...haha. This isn't about my major label days, Its more about why I (we) still play. The majors are over, the playing field has been leveled. There are no advances to live off, no tours getting paid for etc. For a guy with my history, it is realy hard to see a goal. Later this year we will tour in Europe, possibly a few times...why? Yes, I love to play but just a few years ago, the monetary, work and time sacrifices had a purpose or so we thought. Someday, we would be back to doing it for a living. Now, it's just a back breaking vacation. I guess any excuse to travel is a good one. I've been doing it for years. The problem really is that I've done nothing else. No career, no back up plan. Now I'm a bartender. Makes sense. I still write like a man inspired. That will never leave me, but what about my future? What is the goal? Depressing huh? There are so many of us here in NYC. Mostly bartenders. I call it the land of broken toys. I love the idea of being able to put out your own records letting the public, not a hype machine, decide what they want to listen to. That's the ideal. It's not quite there yet. there are people out there who want to hear the records I make but I don't think the possiblity of making a living is there anymore. I'm still going to do it because I have no choice and I feel that my bands records just keep getting better. I guess my timing is what really sucks.

Enough depressing shit and onto my mid-thirties crisis. I've been getting into all my old thrash records again. From flotsam and jetsam, atrophy, devastation, holy terror, to Mekong delta, toxik and forbidden. I love it! In the late 80's, this was my favorite genre. Is this healthy? I looked back on my musical tastes over the years and I've pretty much done it all and now it's gone full circle. I'm back in high school. Maybe this is just a way to deal with the pressures of real life. Escapism at it's best. I don't know.

Speaking of reverting back, errortype 11 is reuniting for one show at mercury lounge on august 8th. Should be fun. It's gonna have all sorts of surprises.
It was not my idea. Reunions are not my thing but phil. And especially Adam want to so I agreed. Thing is I don't drink before I play anymore. That was such a huge part of the show. I guess I can have a few...haha.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

the fall out from fall out boy

i know this has nothing to do with anything to do with the dark, long nights behind the bar or the semi-drunken dirty rock that represents my current lifestyle but i was aghast when i discovered the most inane, out of date, trite band i have ever had the displeasure to hear in....well it hasn't been that long.  they are called you me at six.  i was initially interested because they are from surrey, a surrogate home for me in the UK from a few years back.  being from long island, i understand surrey bands, you either get greatness spawned from the basements and garages of suburbia (and quickly move to london) or you get total and utter generic crap.  there's no in between.  i think my shock came from the fact that epitaph would sign this.  i know why, their manager is the guy who brought the world bullet for me valentine, gallows and bring me the horizon to name a few, but that is no excuse.  it's just old fall out boy with no personality.  picture that!! 

 i know, this is so out of my realm i shouldn't care but if this represents any music scene in the UK, it makes me sad.  get out of the ice age.  maybe shitty american bands need to be officially banned from great britain.  except in scotland where they always seem to do something interesting when turning their influences back  on the world.    

the other night i was watching a local show called new york noise.  it's always good to upset me with some hipster bullshit like animal collective or something but i saw two videos that astounded me.  the first was by a two piece (how original) called no age.  it wasn't so much as it sounding like a sonic youth b-side i.e. waste of precious time, but the fact that sub pop put it out.  their bio says things like "pop songs done as performance art" or "experimentation", you know that means?  you might write ok songs but you make them sound like shit so pitchfork will like you.   i'm sorry.  it's crap and they will probably stop playing music, like so many others, when they get into grad school. 

 another band i saw was titus andronicus,  whose song was such an awful rip off of the clashes "white riot" (check out the "titus andronicus" chord progression).   they were listed as being on xl recordings.  whaaaaat?  i'm so over it.  indie labels are trying to stay a float?  well, not hard enough.   i'm all for bands struggling with just being a band these days.  i support anyone but please just write a fucking decent song.  just don't put some old crap together, record it lo-fi to make it cool.  i'd say i'm sorry for being a jealous, shitty, typical NY musician but no one read this blog so who cares.  

 i hate capital letters.  

i really don't care.  i need to get in the shower and get to bowling....

hyper-connected?

do any of us really need to be hyper-connected?  twitter thinks we do.  i'm having a hard time figuring out the difference between twitter and facebook "updates".  i did the update thing for a while and still realize the importance of it for promoting shows but for everything else it is utterly ridiculous.  everyone is just up in each others shit.  no one needs to divulge so much information.  i enjoy getting in contact with people from my past and seeing that they are doing ok.  that's all really cool but i don't need to know everything their kid does or worse yet what they are eating for dinner etc.  it's just self absorbed bullshit.  then again, so is blogging.    

 i got the new U2 tonight around 11pm.  it's great.  a real return to form.  the itunes deluxe edition extras are great as well.  an hour long movie?  sweet.  

i'm getting excited about the new god fires man record.  we have been working on the layout, which always makes it more of a reality.  this one's coming out on vinyl.  i haven't had a  vinyl release since the mid-90's.   i just can't wait to get back over to europe.  it's been too long.  

alright, i should at least attempt to go to sleep.  i have to go to the dmv tomorrow to take my former van off the road so i can cancel the insurance.  what a pain.